About Sympathy

Sometimes people tell me that I am not empathic, I do not have strong adherence to pain and feelings of another person, because when people do not feel comfortable I do not touch them, do not sympathize them, I do not show them how I care about them and that I’m not indifferent towards them. This is true; I do not do all that. I do not want to join the pain of another person; I do not want their pain to be supported accidentally or otherwise.

Sometimes people tell me: “You do not care”, because some people believe that if they are hurt, you should feel the same pain. If you do not feel the same pain, then you do not care about them. Have you ever heard anything like this this? Yes? No? This conviction is the belief of the relationships. And it is what I want to destroy in my relations with my clients and anywhere else as soon as possible. When people tell me - "You do not care!" I look at them and say - "It is just the contrary. I care enough not to support you in your pain, because I want you to feel comfortable, successful, happy, satisfied, anything to be pleased. This is much more important for me than sustaining your pain. And if you cannot feel comfortable with me, unless I feel your pain with you, then so be it. I will not do this!" Sometimes people believe this so strongly, that they consider me a bad guy. "Well, ok, I am a bad guy, I do not care about you, and I want you to be happy, and I'm not going to support your pain. If this is not acceptable for you - goodbye!" This is important for me and hopefully for you too. Why? What happens to someone whose pain you support? This person deeps into this state of pain and soon finds out that to draw attention so that everybody cared about him, he just needs to make a victim of himself and suffer pain. Then this person comes to me and wants me to feel his pain, but I say - "No, thank you!"

And what about the opposite situation? If someone feels pain while I do not feel it and he believes that I do not care about him, he feels even worse – it happens sometimes, does not it? In such cases, I say - "You decide. I will not feel your pain for you, because it will make you feel worse." You make things worse when expressing this pain; you worsen your state and excite pity.

I do not want people to learn this from me. I want them to learn to achieve results when they have the desire to be successful, when they are learning, developing, becoming stronger, better and smarter. If you want my respond, want to attract my attention – then show me what you have learned and I will respond with a real kickback. Show me how good you play victim and I can go by without even noticing you. However, that is my attitude and you do not have to adopt it, but this is all feedback and it produces results.

This is a challenge to some strong beliefs that are inherent in human beings, isn’t it? You live in this world, your life consists of momentary experiences, of your feelings, and if you communicate with professional victims and support their pain then this is your life. But that’s not for me.